I remember the first time someone told me I was “very capable”. It was my grandmother, Gracie and I was in college. I was interested in leaving college to start my own business, but she wondered why I didn’t want to just get a nice job and collect a paycheck. (It was a very different time.) But she told me she didn’t understand but she knew I’d be OK because I was “very capable”. Over 40 years later and that random comment still makes my heart swell.
There’s a statistic about ADHD that hits like a punch to the chest:
By age 10, children with ADHD have heard 20,000 more negative comments than their neurotypical peers.
Twenty. Thousand.
That’s not “a little more criticism.” That’s a lifetime of hearing what’s wrong about them instead of what’s right—all before they even reach middle school.
And when you combine that with another important fact—that children need 13 positive statements to counteract 1 negative—you start to see the emotional math.
ADHD kids often experience the opposite: 13 negative comments for every 1 positive.
This isn’t just an imbalance. That would mean 260,000 positive comments in the same first 10 years. That works out to 71 positive statements PER DAY for that same first 10 years to balance this out.
These comments don’t come just from parents. They come from teachers, coaches, relatives, strangers, other kid’s parents, and even other kids.
A child with ADHD is corrected, redirected, criticized, and scolded everywhere they go. So the question becomes “what kind of internal voice is all this creating?”.
The “Boss in Their Brain”
Each child grows an internal narrator — what I like to call “the boss in their brain.”
If that fledgling boss has spent years listening to:
• “Why can’t you ever sit still?”
• “You’re so lazy.”
• “Pay attention!”
• “What were you thinking?”
• “You never finish anything.”
…that boss becomes a tyrant. A bully. A voice that whispers, “You’re not good enough,” even when they’re trying their best.
But imagine the opposite.
Imagine the voice of a good boss:
• “I trust you.”
• “You’re capable.”
• “It’s okay to make mistakes.”
• “Try again—you’re learning.”
• “I believe in you.”
Who would YOU rather work for?
Your child lives with their inner boss every day. Your words, and the words of the people around them, help shape that boss.
This isn’t about never correcting your child. It’s about recognizing that ADHD and other neurodivergent kids are already swimming in criticism from all directions — and they desperately need your voice to be the safer, kinder one.
Every positive comment counts. Every affirmation that they are great as they are helps them write their own story. A story that has a hero.
Maybe that hero should be you.
Henry Van Nostrand is one of the co-founders of Paws 4 Kids 4 Paws. Her dog Drama (RIP) was part of the inspiration for Paws 4 Kids 4 Paws and served on the original board of Dogrectors.
(Yes, a woman named Henry. NOT Henrietta or other things you might guess. Ask her about it sometime when you have time…)